mercurial thoughts.

the greens.

I think it’s great how weed makes you see through everyone’s bullshit. It’s a really great eye-opener. But at the same time I hate it because what are my real thoughts and feelings? The ones when I’m sober or the ones when I’m impaired? Because when I’m impaired, my judgments are clouded (no pun intended), doesn’t that mean what I think isn’t really what I think and what I see isn’t what I really see? I think smoking weed just makes me into a giggly girl for the first hour; unrelentlessly critical, judgmental, and refusing to put up with any bullshit for the rest of the time; all the while having the damn munchies. No more weed smoking unless it’s a couple hits to help me get to sleep. Unfortunately it doesn’t always stop there, but it’s going to have to.

bad.bad.bad.

I’m starting to enjoy cancer sticks a little too much. I smoke one for the first time yesterday in several months. But I’ve been craving them for the past three. This is not a good thing. Is it bad that I like the way people look when they smoke them and that whenever I see someone smoking in the smoke spot in front of the quad, I really want to be there smoking a cig? Yes. I need to find a way to get it out of my head.

deficient in attention

I hate when my priorities aren’t straight, but I get too lazy to do anything about it. This is where my ADD medicine comes into play. It’s weird to think that I actually have ADD cuz I’ve never gotten bad grades or anything, just had an incredibly difficult focusing and getting shit done. Next quarter, I’m gonna take it every day. Otherwise, I’ll resort back to my old ways, which consists of my constantly dicking around when I can be getting work done. I turned in my e-portfolio for English 20 minutes late today and it was half-assed. All because after my Soc final I didn’t want to do ANYTHING anymore and I didn’t want to take my medicine. I’m an idiot haha.

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-12-13)

1. Passion Pit (37)
2. Usher (13)
3. Goo Goo Dolls (8)
4. Death Cab for Cutie (5)
5. John Legend (4)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

vent.

I’m not sure how accurate I am in saying this, I might come to realize that this is something completely untrue or that my interpretation is completely different in a couple of weeks, but I feel like I can feel myself growing up and maturing at this particular juncture of my life (I don’t even know if I can actually call this a juncture…). I think I’m starting to be able to realize what characteristics I value in a person, what characteristics I want to embody, and what I want out of college/life (if I sound self-righteous, now or at any point of this blog, that is completely not my intention whatsoever). I think this is rooted in the fact that I’m in college, living in the dorms, and being around/interacting with different kinds of people all the time.

There are some girls that I’m friends (mostly/somewhat on the surface) with and they’re good people, but there are some parts of them that I see and think “are you serious?…..” and wonder why in the world they would ever want to give off this impression, why in the world they do what they do, and what the hell is going through their minds when they do what they do. Sometimes I really hate it. Like REALLY hate it. But at the same time I’m somewhat thankful for the things I hate about them because it makes me NEVER want to act that way EVER. I don’t care if by doing that it would help me get the attention of boys because quite honestly, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who is drawn to that kind of behavior and willing to submit himself to it. A guy who is completely wrapped around a girl’s finger and lets a girl take advantage of him is a guy without any dignity and I don’t want a guy who doesn’t have any dignity.

I also don’t understand how a girl could be so selfish that she thinks only of herself in a boy/girl situation. I don’t call it a “relationship” because what she has with her many many boys is far from it, especially when they call them “boy toys,” which is really quite sad because most of them are really great guys and a couple of them actually like her and she’s completely leading them on. What I mean by “she thinks only of herself” is that she has completely no regard for the feelings of the boy(s). She doesn’t care if he likes her; she only cares that she has the attention of a cute boy that takes her out on dates. Once she’s bored of them, she discards them and moves on.

What is the point of spending so much time with all these boys if she only sees them as boy toys anyways? Especially when she “want[s] a real boy.” But honestly, she will never have a real boy if her mentality of “boy toy” is the same with every single one of them and when all she wants to do is just get more boys to like her with no real intention of liking them back. “Today’s action becomes tomorrow’s habit.” -Anon. I don’t think she would even know if the “real boy” was standing in front of her slapping her in the face because I think that the “real boy” she’s pursuing in her mind is a chimera. He exists only in fairytales, works of fiction and fantasy, not real life.

I really wonder if and when she will ever grow up and have the maturity to have a real relationship. A real relationship that requires a two-way street, for her to be emotionally involved and not just toying around with them, and for her to take that blindfold off and see that yes, there are times when she is the one in the wrong and when she needs to make sacrifices. You can’t begin to change something if you don’t recognize its existence. As someone who really values self-reflection, I really can’t understand her refusal to do so. She’s 18 for goodness sake. GROW UP.

rationalizing is your worst enemy

Being a rational person is a good thing. But once you start making rationalizations for a particular action, all rationale goes out the door. This is true in interactions with other people, especially with those of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that’s your thing), and even in test-taking situations. You should always go with your gut instinct. Your gut instinct is usually the one that’s right, that’s generated when logic is ephemerally present. Anything that comes after that is bullshit reasoning that makes up excuses for why you should do something that isn’t necessarily wrong, but that you shouldn’t, but want to, do. Falling for those excuses will only lead to a degree of regret, whether it’s a small or large degree.

I’m going to start going to concerts more often like I did back in sophomore and junior year. It’s too worth it and amazing to miss out on anymore. Phoenix on January 23rd? I think so.